I sit on the kitchen steps looking down the length of my boat. Taking a deep breath I soak up all the colour, the fun, the memories and I smile as light dances on the ceiling reflecting ripples in the water.
God I will miss that light.
Tears sting my eyes because suddenly being true to one’s self, striving to live a life in direct response to a heart; feels hard. It is not easy to leap from a cliff, not knowing if the wind will catch you and hold you in its embrace. Sleep can be broken when your heart tells you what you need to do and yet, your head jolts you into the realisation of what that really means.
But, realisation comes when a home is passed on, when you watch it sail away into the sunlight and then the thought comes that you are homeless. Fear not, I tell myself; we are all homeless in one way or another, at one time or another.
Homeless in love, in dreams, in truth.
And so, I stay with family for a while and I cry a little, I feel fear a little, but then I find joy in the warm summer air, in the discarded rubbish that looks like a wagtail. I realise that it feels good to be back to having everything I need in a car - right somehow - and I tell my daughter that the only true home is found within the love between each other. Then we pitch our tent and laugh, splash in puddles, listen to the birds and fear melts away as I realise that, for right or wrong, this is the path I am walking; have always walked. One filled with changing directions and gradients, one that at times is overgrown with thistles that scratch, but that at others sretches out ahead of me like a long cool drink on a hot day.
This life is a choice and this life can be crazy and scary. But it’s unique and it’s mine, and sometimes you have to be right there on the edge of that cliff just to know you are living. So that surprise can take you where it wants and let you realise that whatever step you take, it will always be the right one.
“I have been standing on the side of life, watching it float by. I want to swim in the river. I want to feel the current.” ~ Mamah Borthwick Cheney, 1907. (Taken from Loving Frank - a wonderful and interesting read.)
Cheerio my beautiful boat - my we had a lot of fun together ;-)